Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
