I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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