i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you never un-have a 4some
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
