i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
