Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
