i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
