my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
