eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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