Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
