Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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