I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
