genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
