yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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