Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
