I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
