You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
A+ Viking dick
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
