Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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