Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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