the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
