I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
