How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
