How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
time to smoke my breakfast
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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