oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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