I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize