ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
