Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
