i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
