i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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