I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
