Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
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Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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