If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
