Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
