Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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