So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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