dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
