Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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