Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
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Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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