Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We talked him into tasing himself.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
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did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize