i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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