And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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