On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
