where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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