Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
