Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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