No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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