At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
