Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
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omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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