I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
