you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
