My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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