Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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