so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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