I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We just shotgunned beers for America
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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