I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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