I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
