dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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