Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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